Love is a Mirror of Your Needs
July 15th, 2009(This is a bit of a departure from normal topic of conversation. But heck, anything is a departure from silence. This is on my mind and from my heart.)
Ever Love’s chevalier, I was quick to take a defensive stance. “Falling in love is more than just a product of the needy!” I clench my fists.
I feel socially conditioned to think that fulfilling needs is somehow debasing. Needy people are obnoxious or weak. I feel weak and obnoxious when I am being overly needy.
The more I thought about it, the more I came around to this idea. We DO have needs, although it is often socially discouraged to admit it.
If a lover does not fulfill your needs (and visa versa: you fulfilling your lover’s needs) – what is the point in your relationship? What value are you exchanging?
Throughout life, our needs change. The hope in a lifelong partnership would be that as your lover’s needs grow, so too does your ability to fulfill them.
I acknowledge additional social needs extra-curricular to an intimate relationship: friendship, support, etc. As do I acknowledge that there are some needs that must be self-fulfilled. (I think this is where the negative connotation of needy originates.) Needy as an insult equals lazy regarding your self-fulfillment, expectant of outside help.
Is it “strong” to feel exempt from the need for an intimate partner?
[I'm not sure how to end this stream of thought. Logically, by hitting "Publish." I'll reserve future thoughts for future posts.]
Tags: love
Posted in Ponderings | Comments (4)
July 15th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I certainly like to think so.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:49 pm
I knew you would.
But do you think that building a completely self-dependent lifestyle eliminates space for a long-term intimate partnership?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I struggled with this for a long time in my life….judging myself for being needy trying to learn to distinguish between wanting intimacy or being able to cultivate it authentically, and taking responsibility for the aspects of my life that couldn’t be foisted off on others.
i think there’s just as much a fantasy of true love as there is of total self-sufficiency. That If you achieve that level of autonomy you wont be emotionally vulnerable anymore…i think that’s about as realistic as the cinderella tale.
However I’m only married because i think it’s possible to be responsible for my own fullfillment *and* be in a long-term relationship. Which I haven’t totally figured out yet, find the process extremely frustrating and the goal elusive at times…
You hit the nail on the head when you ask “what value are you exchanging?” since it’s pretty much the question that comes up the more things you realize you *don’t* need from your partner.
And sometimes it feels like the enjoyable experience of romance is sacrificed for being so ‘aware’ and practical (not to mention sucks as an inspiration for song writing!). but not always – and the idea of finding the space for both things to exist at the same time really appeals to me.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
The other night I had a dream that I was having an affair with this beautiful and rich Indian man who professed his love for me and his desire to fly me to India every weekend to be with him. He even had this gorgeous hotel to put me up in.
My internal response to this declaration was: Really? Every weekend?
Honestly, I think when one endeavors to achieve complete autonomy they shut out the possibility for true intimacy, with more than just romantic partners. Luckily, I don’t think I’m a lost cause. I value my relationships with people too much to preclude the possibility that I will end up married to someone for 50 years of my life. There’s still time.
And I am working on changing some of my current patterns. You and I should talk soon.